writing

Broke

I broke.

My spirit is broken.  I’m buried in a mountainous fathomless void of joylessness without any sense of direction for a way out. I’m shrouded with a dense heavy haze of despair.

My aura has the color of melancholia.

I’m poisonous.

I’m broke. I have nothing. No value.

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New year, new challenges

I have no idea what to do anymore.

I’ve never felt more helpless in my entire life. I’ve never felt more useless and my life never seemed more empty and meaningless.

My ex best friend got married two weeks ago.

Another couple who’s 2-3 years younger than me and my boyfriend and are few years less in a relationship just got engaged tonight. Both of them have great jobs with big salaries and they moved in this amazing apartment few months ago.

I on the other hand, can’t even find a job. I’m constantly broke and can’t afford anything. We can’t get married because we don’t have any income and we’ve been together for 7 years. I’m losing any hope I had… I can’t seem to find a way to have a life. I’m stuck and I’m wasting my years away.

I literally can’t handle another year of disappointment.

Last two weeks

It’s a rainy saturday and I’m spending this day at home. My boyfriend’s out with colleagues celebrating the end of the year. I felt like going out, but I don’t have anyone to go with. I’m getting used to having no friends, but I still can’t completely bear the fact that people can so easily forget about you. I don’t know and I don’t care of the reason why that happened, it still amazes me after decade of friendship how plain and painless is for some people to act like none of that matters.

I have my focus on trying to do my own exhibit of my photographs. Hopefully, I will be able to do it in 2018. It will be a dream come true.

I wonder if people would come to see it.

Will my art be seen by other human beings?

In two weeks this year will be over. To be honest, nothing good happened to me this year. I lost my job and I’m struggling to find another. I’ve lost all of my friends and I can seem to trust anyone else to befriend. I haven’t made any money and I’m more broke than I’ve ever been in the past three years. I’m a year older.

I don’t have that good feeling I always do when starting a new year. I’m scared. I’m afraid that I will fail of changing things and I don’t know if I can take that.

Two weeks more and on to the next one.

Lately

Lately I’ve been busy with a job a found. I finally found a job as a receptionist in a hotel. I’ve been in training for the past week and I’m starting to really doubt myself.

First of all, there’s more to it than I thought. It’s more like a one-man-show. Not only that I have to do the receptionist tasks with making reservations, doing check-in and check-out and helping out the guests with their rooms, but I have to also take care of the bar, make coffee, pour drinks, serve, etc. On top of everything, I have to buy food for the breakfast table and prepare most of the breakfast that will be served in the morning. In the meantime, I have to make sure the rooms are prepared and warm. So in a way, I’m a full time receptionist, full time bartender, part time housekeeper and part time cook.

And I would have to work 20 days in a month with 9,5 hour shifts ending before midnight! Which means, I would have to leave work in incredible cold weather and walk for 20 minutes in darkness to get home.

I need a job so bad, because I really want to do my own exhibition and I need a lot money to do that. But, I don’t know if it’s worth it… but I don’t have time to waste anymore.

Have a positive attitude

“If there’s something that you don’t like, change it. If you can’t change it, then change your attitude. Have a positive point of view because positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events and outcomes.”

A caption a wrote for an instagram pic I shared today.

I want to think positive thoughts. But i struggle to do so. I struggle because it’s getting harder and harder to find things to be positive about. I feel time slipping away without making any progress. I feel like I’m stuck in a quick sand and when I try to be positive about getting out of it, I make an action to escape, but every move a do, makes me sink deeper in it.

Is it worth to have a positive attitude, while being stuck in one spot and not being able to move, because if you do, it’ll get worst?