The city sleeps tucked in under a thick gray blanket. The sun seems to lazy to rise up, so waking up gets harder by the day.
I wish I would wake up to live for myself. I don’t want to be a slave. I want to get up motivated and start working on executing my ideas and create something. I want to give life to my creativity. I want to change minds. I want to influence lives.
I open my eyes and feel the tiredness taking over, hurting every muscle in my body. It cooperates with misery and together they make me loose interest in living.
There’s nothing more I love doing on a day off than going to my favorite place in the city with the book I’m currently reading, to just relax and enjoy a cup of coffee.
I’ve got my back against a tree, fully relaxed seating on the grass. My face is under a deep shadow, but my legs are getting sun tanned and it feels good to feel the heat on my skin. There is a nice chilly breeze brushing my face and hair, from time to time. It keeps reminding my how good it it’s to be alive.
Rad Bradbury’s “Something Wicked This Way Comes” goes well with a coconut macchiato. The taste of the Summer and the story of the Autumn. The sparkling of the water gets my attention between lines, just enough to gather my thoughts and go along with Jim’s and Will’s carnival adventure. People are passing by me, enthralled in their conversation. Friends, couples, pets, individuals. People living their life.
After finishing my coffee and couple of chapters, I’ve recharged my battery’s with my favorite protein bar and took a long walk all around the park to empty my head of the bad energy from the negative events that build up during the entire week.
Sometimes I get cozy in life enough to think that I have a person who loves me. I let him hug me and kiss me and I let myself do the same to him. I look at him and his face makes me smile because I’m pleased. Inside of me, I’m longing for a touch and when I feel those touches, I forget all of the difficulties and troubles in life. I forget where I am and who I am.
Sometimes I get cozy in life enough to open up and start talking about everything I can think of, thinking I can say it. Thinking there’s a meaning if I say it. Thinking there’s a person who cares if I say it.
Sometimes I forget that I’m alone. We are all alone. No one cares for anyone. At moments you might think opposite, but those are the moments when you accidentally drag yourself into a delusion, only because you’ve let yourself get cozy enough. And you’re not suppose to let yourself get cozy. You can’t forget that you can not get cozy. Because you don’t get anything good of getting cozy, other than momentarily satisfaction. But when you remember, reality bites you so hard, you realize that you’re just an empty skeleton that will lose it’s soul at some point. Alone. Because no body cares.
9 am, I’m seating on my bed, enjoying the sunshine that’s getting through my wide open windows. I’m having my tall glass of dark Nescafe without milk or sugar, but with lots of ice cubes, literally chilling right next to me. I’ve been drinking my coffee without any milk for a while now and it taste really good.
Sunny daylight. Sips of cold mildly bitter liquid. Music.
For some reason, I’ve ignored John Mayer’s “The Search for Everything” for a year and a half and for some other reason, I’ve started listen to it in the past few days and it just sounds perfect at this moment. And it’s even perfect on a Saturday morning that’s a day off work!
I’m about to start reading a new book until I feel fully awaken and get ready for some other activities. I’m planning on visiting three museums and one gallery today. There are few exhibitions in the city and I haven’t had the time to see them. I usually get a Sunday off, so now that it’s Saturday I can finally get to do couple of things I want to do.
I wish I can get a job where my weekend days would forever be none working days. A job where I’ll only be working first shift. A job where I would be payed at least the standard amount of payment.
Screw it! I’m not thinking about my job today! It’s all about relaxation and enjoyment today!
Last weekend I’ve got 2 days off from work so I went with my boyfriend to Ohrid, or Peshtani to be more precise. I’ve spend third of my paycheck and somehow I don’t care. I needed to get out of the city and just chill.
I really like this place. The house that we stayed in was located one small street across from the lake which was perfect. We had a great view from the balcony and most importantly, we would just get out of the house, cross the street and find ourselves on the beach.
Took couple of swims, enjoyed my very favorite thing: floating on the water. Layed on the beach for hours, relaxing our bodies from work. Enjoyed the sun and the wind. Read a book. Cooked a little. Had great sex. Took long walks around the neighborhood at night, taking it all in. The sounds of the waves, the music from the restaurants, the peoples laughs. Had a cocktail by the bay with the most perfect sunset you can get. Slept.
I realized that I’ve grown really old at heart in the past few years. People my age consider themselves young and they are right. But I’ve always felt very old and with each year passing by, I feel like my life is ending and I’m worried that I’ve wasted my life doing nothing.
I know things can change. I know that I should be on that “do the things you want to do in life” positive type of attitude. I know that I should relax and enjoy all that I can every day. I know all of that, but somehow I can’t do it. When I go to bed at night and the day has ended, I realize that I’ve wasted my day stressing out about everything and anything and haven’t enjoy a minute. I always feel like shit and I rarely find things that I like.
I’ve wasted my 20’s thinking I’m old and feeling like my life is about to end any day now. Which could possibly be true, but also it might not.
I have so many wishes and goals and hopes. But I should really put one on the top and that’s it to find a way to be positive and enjoy every moment for itself without thinking about what’s going to happened throughout the day. I should find a way to be present.
My boyfriend and I are both working jobs that are payed very low and hard at doing. We both have hard time accepting are current jobs and we both have almost impossible chances of doing something better.
Because of our shifts lately, we hardly even see each other. We don’t go anywhere and we don’t do anything. We go to work and than we go home. We have no fun. We can’t enjoy the summer. We miss many interesting events in town and we don’t see our friends.
I’m aware that surviving it’s more important than having fun. But, what’s the point? Home-work, work-home. Work that’s fucking horrible.
Time is passing by, year by year. We manage to somehow survive, but we don’t move on to better things. No progress. No goals or wishes completed.
No money. No home. No family. No career. No happiness.