personal

Cutoff

In the past couple of days I’ve been cutoff from society.

I’m still out of job. I’m still out of friends. I’m still out of touch from my surroundings.

Sadly, I’ve had issues with my laptop so I had to take it to a repairing service. That means I had to put on pause my 3ds max lessons. I wanted to be a part of the new furniture competition which is due 1st of October, but I’m afraid that with my current situation I will loose half of the given time. It’s a big set back!

This whole weekend I’ve been alone. My boyfriend’s out of town, so I’ve been staying mostly at home. The past couple of days we’ve had 40 degrees Celsius temperature, so I’ve been avoiding going out side. I don’t have my bicycle, so I can’t even ride to the park.

Things haven’t been going good at all for me lately.

One thing I like is that I’ve been reading books. Also, watched a lot of the History channel, they have a lot of interesting documentaries. And that’s it.

Books, history documentaries and a reserved spot on a sofa sectional.

Face yourself

Be alone. Spend couple of days or a whole week detached from the world, so you can connect with yourself.

It’s sounds like an easy task. In a way it is, you can surely do it. But what will you learn? I thought it’d be great to take a break from humans and just enjoy myself and the simple things I like. I read books. I played video games. I watched tv shows and movies. I drew. I worked on learning 3d modeling. I did a lot of things.

But I didn’t do anything. I just spend a lot of time on the sofa, in front of my laptop. Time went by, a week was finished. I didn’t do anything and I was exceedingly aware of that. Aware of the time I wasted. Aware of my failures. Aware of my solitary.

“You’re a loser…”. “You can’t do anything”. “You wasted your life and accomplished nothing!”. “Loser!”. “Everyone is moving forward and you can’t move a level from the bottom.”. “Failure!”.

Who knew there were voices?

I isolated myself from the society and looked myself closely, thoroughly, intimately. I met myself. Look at me, touch me, turn me and twist me around, explore me, learn about me. This is me. This! There’s nothing you can do about it now, this is what I am and this is what I did. You like it?

I faced myself. I was confident and unruffled; I broke. I felt like I was lured in a corner and life kicked me and punched me and pounded me, stroked me, whipped me, trashed me, broke me!

I broke.

But I faced myself. And I like myself as a person, I just don’t like my life. I feel like I can do so much more. Now knowing that, I will try even harder to achieve all that I want and earn all that I deserve.

Face yourself. It won’t be easy, but it’s worth it.

I think I saw you ~ Мислам дека те видов

I think I saw you. I think.

I was walking down a street, I had something I had to do and my mind was focused on the task. It was raining. I turned my head on the right for a half a second and I think I saw you seating on the stairs of a building. It was just a quick turn-right/turn-forward movement, I wasn’t really paying attention. My feet kept on walking in the direction I had to go and my brain started processing what my eyes saw. Was it you? I’m not sure. The girl was seating, so I couldn’t see her from head to toes. She had a hood over her head, so I didn’t see her hair. In that split second our eyes made a contact. And she did something you use to do: she licked the cigarette before I’m guessing lighting it up. I think that was you.

A year ago, I would’ve been so thrilled to see you. A year ago, I would’ve cheerfully come and say hi to you. And we would laugh a bit telling each other how was our day, and we would agree to see each other tomorrow to talk more. A whole fucking year ago!

Even If I was sure that that was you, nothing would’ve happened. I would’ve go on my business, not knowing how was your day. I don’t want to know how was your day and I don’t want to tell you how was mine. You were my best friend and now, you’re just an acquaintance. It almost feels like I never really knew you. If that was you, it’s the first time a came across you since we stopped hanging out. A whole fucking year ago. I use to think about you sometimes and I was disappointed of what happened between us. I couldn’t believe that after all the years, it was so easy for you to turn you back on me. At the beginning, thinking about it made me feel upset, let down. After a while, I started feeling irritated, a bit angry. I trusted you. Literally, there is not a person in the world that made me open up like you did and I even started thinking that sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings it’s a good thing to do. It’s been a while since the last time a thought of you. I moved on. Now, when I think of you, I feel you as a distant heartbreak that shaped my personality.

You are my biggest lesson. Thank you. Thank you for showing me that people are not what they seem. People are cowards. Thank you for making it clear that it’s okay to be close to someone and enjoy their presence, but it’s not worth it to completely show them everything you think and feel. Most of all, thank you for giving such strength to my principles by you not having them. I’ll forever stand my ground.

I will never feel the same about you.


Мислам дека те видов. Мислам.

Чекорев по улица, имав нешто што морав да направам и умот ми беше фокусиран на обрската. Врнеше дожд. Погледнав надесно пола секунда и мислам дека те видов како седиш на скали пред зграда. Беше брзо надесно/нанапред движење, не обрнував баш внимание. Нозете продолжија да одат во насоката каде што морав да отидам и мозокот тогаш почна да процесира што очите виделе. Дали тоа беше ти? Не сум сигурна. Девојката седеше, па не можев да ја видам целосно од глава до пети. Имаше качулка на главата, па не и’ ја видов косата. Во таа полу-секунда се погледнавме во очи. И таа направи нешто што ти порано правеше: ја излижа цигарата пред претпоставувам да ја запали. Мислам дека тоа беше ти.

Пред година дена, ќе бев пресреќна да те видам. Пред година дена, радосно ќе дојдев до тебе да те поздравам. И ќе си се посмеевме малку кажувајќи си како ни поминал денот, и ќе се договоревме утредента да се видиме и да си поправиме уште муабет. Пред цела една ебана година!

Дури и да бев сигурна дека тоа си ти, ништо немаше да се случи. Ќе си ја терав мојата работа, без да знам како ти поминал денот. Не сакам да знам како ти поминал денот и не сакам да ти кажам каков бил мојот. Ми беше најдобра другарка и сега, не си ништо повеќе од познаник. Дури се осеќам како никогаш да не сум те познавала. Ако тоа беше ти, ова е првиот пат што те гледам откако престанавме да се дружиме. Пред цела една ебана година. Понекогаш помислував на тебе и бев разочарана поради тоа што се случи помеѓу нас. Не можев да поверувам дека после сите години, ти беше толку лесно да ми го свртиш грбот. Напочетокот, мислејќи на тоа ме вознемируваше, ме разочаруваше. После некое време, почнав да се осеќам иритирано, малку луто. Ти верував. Буквално, не постои личност на светот што ме натерала да се отворам така како што успеа ти, и дури и почнав да мислам дека споделувањето на своите најдлабоки мисли и чувства е добра работа. Помина доста време откако помислив на тебе последен пат. Продолжив понатаму. Сега, кога ќе помислам на тебе, се осеќам како да си далечна срцекршечка случка која го има оформено мојот карактер.

Ти си мојата најголема лекција. Ти благодарам. Фала што ми покажа дека луѓето не се тоа што се чинат дека се. Луѓето се кукавици. Фала што ми разјасни дека океј е да си близок со некого и да уживаш во неговото присуство, но дека не вреди целосно да им покажеш што мислиш и чувствуваш. Најмногу од се’, ти благодарам што им даде толку моќ на моите принципи со тоа што ти немаше никакви. Засекогаш ќе стојам зад нив.

Никогаш нема повеќе да го чувствувам истото за тебе.