personal

Young at body, old at heart

I realized that I’ve grown really old at heart in the past few years. People my age consider themselves young and they are right. But I’ve always felt very old and with each year passing by, I feel like my life is ending and I’m worried that I’ve wasted my life doing nothing.

I know things can change. I know that I should be on that “do the things you want to do in life” positive type of attitude. I know that I should relax and enjoy all that I can every day. I know all of that, but somehow I can’t do it. When I go to bed at night and the day has ended, I realize that I’ve wasted my day stressing out about everything and anything and haven’t enjoy a minute. I always feel like shit and I rarely find things that I like.

I’ve wasted my 20’s thinking I’m old and feeling like my life is about to end any day now. Which could possibly be true, but also it might not.

I have so many wishes and goals and hopes. But I should really put one on the top and that’s it to find a way to be positive and enjoy every moment for itself without thinking about what’s going to happened throughout the day. I should find a way to be present.

Everything else should be second.

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Tired of dead end jobs

Yesterday I started my 10 day training at a “drogerie markt” place where I would be working as a salesperson for less than the minimum wage salary, if I except the job after the training. The only way you can earn a promotion at this job is by working that position with that salary for one or two years. Those are their rules.

So I find myself as a 28 years old person with no better alternative in life than fighting for a saleslady position at a market so maybe one day in the future it will be my career, but I would be payed a bit more than the minimum page in my country.

What an exciting goal to have!

I’m tired of not having a better options. I’m tired of fighting for a minimum wage salary. I’m tired of working jobs that have nothing to do with my college degree. I’m tired of wasting years on dead end jobs. I’m tired of being constantly broke. I’m tired of keep quitting jobs and starting new ones because they are payed very little and aren’t worth of keeping.

I’m tired of disappointing my mom and boyfriend. I’m tired on not being able to make money like any other person. I’m tired of being useless.

How to handle stress

All I do is think about things that make me stressed. While I’m at work, I can’t stop feeling nervous all the time, almost like I wait for something bad to happen. When I’m out of work, I keep thinking about the stuff that happened at work and generally throughout the day.

I try to stop those kinds of thoughts, but lately I’m having a really hard time at doing so. I might stop them for like a half a minute and focus on something else, but then I realize new stressful thoughts are on my mind, they formed against my will, almost secretly.  And when I realize I have them, I try to blocked them out, but it doesn’t last for too long. They constantly re-form all the time. I’m really tired of it!

I try to do things I enjoy doing like reading a book, drawing on my Wacom, watching a good tv series, walk outside while it’s sunny. But nothings seems to keep my focus because stressful thoughts appear ALL THE TIME.

Literally, I get excited about a new episode and I make myself comfortable and I start watching it and somewhere along the way… I realize even though my eyes are fixed on the screen, I’m not watching what’s on it, I’m actually thinking about something stressful.

I’ve never had that problem before. I mean, I’ve always had stressful thoughts just like anybody else, but while I was doing something I really liked, I was most of the time focused on and uninterpreted by stress in that way.

Now I  can’t seem to find a way to relax.

I can’t sleep.

I don’t even enjoy spending time with my loved once because I’m too stressed out.

An idea is making my head spin

Lot of the times, when I get an idea that I think is more than good, my head starts to spin. I get excited about the idea and start thinking about it, and at that moment my brain starts working incredibly fast and it makes itself dizzy. My head starts to hurt and I get this tingling sensation in my body. Almost like I panic as if I need to hurry and execute my idea because I don’t have enough time. But most of the time I do have the time. Most of the time it’s just an idea that came to me randomly. But I can’t help myself of getting overwhelmed by that nervous feeling. Is it excitement? Hysteria? Anxiety?

How to overcome it?

Being alone ain’t easy

I remember couple of years ago I thought: it’s not hard to be alone, I could easily do that. I mean… you are with yourself all the time, right? I think people usually forget that.

I’ll focus on things I like, like books and tv series. I’ll walk in the city park, I’ll ride my bicycle, I’ll check out art exhibitions, I’ll work a job, I’ll draw. I’ll find thing to please myself and be happy.

I think I knew back then that I will be alone in the future and I was trying to convince myself that it’s okay and that it will be fine. Well, it’s a perfect example of the Murphy’s law. It’s exactly what happened.

There’s nothing I can really do about it now. It is what it is. I just have to learn to live with it.