personal

My Dreams Romance Excess

Here’s my tumblr blog: http://mydreamsromanceandexcess.tumblr.com/

Everything on it is how I feel, what I think and what I love.

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Being alone ain’t easy

I remember couple of years ago I thought: it’s not hard to be alone, I could easily do that. I’m with myself all the time, I’ll focus on things I like, like books and tv series. I’ll walk in the city park, I’ll ride my bicycle, I’ll check out art exhibitions, I’ll work a job. I’ll find thing to please myself and be happy.

Now after I’ve lost all of my friends in the past 2 or 3 years, now that I’ve lost my partner that I’ve been 7 years with, now that I’ve lost my job and can’t find another one… now I feel different. I don’t think I can be alone. Being alone it’s a constant reminder that you’re possibly a disgusting person.

I think I knew back then that I will be alone in the future and I was trying to convince myself that it’s okay and that it will be fine. Well, I did happened.

There’s nothing I can really do about it now. It is what it is. I just have to learn to live with it.

New year, new challenges

I have no idea what to do anymore.

I’ve never felt more helpless in my entire life. I’ve never felt more useless and my life never seemed more empty and meaningless.

My ex best friend got married two weeks ago.

Another couple who’s 2-3 years younger than me and my boyfriend and are few years less in a relationship just got engaged tonight. Both of them have great jobs with big salaries and they moved in this amazing apartment few months ago.

I on the other hand, can’t even find a job. I’m constantly broke and can’t afford anything. We can’t get married because we don’t have any income and we’ve been together for 7 years. I’m losing any hope I had… I can’t seem to find a way to have a life. I’m stuck and I’m wasting my years away.

I literally can’t handle another year of disappointment.

Last two weeks

It’s a rainy saturday and I’m spending this day at home. My boyfriend’s out with colleagues celebrating the end of the year. I felt like going out, but I don’t have anyone to go with. I’m getting used to having no friends, but I still can’t completely bear the fact that people can so easily forget about you. I don’t know and I don’t care of the reason why that happened, it still amazes me after decade of friendship how plain and painless is for some people to act like none of that matters.

I have my focus on trying to do my own exhibit of my photographs. Hopefully, I will be able to do it in 2018. It will be a dream come true.

I wonder if people would come to see it.

Will my art be seen by other human beings?

In two weeks this year will be over. To be honest, nothing good happened to me this year. I lost my job and I’m struggling to find another. I’ve lost all of my friends and I can seem to trust anyone else to befriend. I haven’t made any money and I’m more broke than I’ve ever been in the past three years. I’m a year older.

I don’t have that good feeling I always do when starting a new year. I’m scared. I’m afraid that I will fail of changing things and I don’t know if I can take that.

Two weeks more and on to the next one.

Lately

Lately I’ve been busy with a job a found. I finally found a job as a receptionist in a hotel. I’ve been in training for the past week and I’m starting to really doubt myself.

First of all, there’s more to it than I thought. It’s more like a one-man-show. Not only that I have to do the receptionist tasks with making reservations, doing check-in and check-out and helping out the guests with their rooms, but I have to also take care of the bar, make coffee, pour drinks, serve, etc. On top of everything, I have to buy food for the breakfast table and prepare most of the breakfast that will be served in the morning. In the meantime, I have to make sure the rooms are prepared and warm. So in a way, I’m a full time receptionist, full time bartender, part time housekeeper and part time cook.

And I would have to work 20 days in a month with 9,5 hour shifts ending before midnight! Which means, I would have to leave work in incredible cold weather and walk for 20 minutes in darkness to get home.

I need a job so bad, because I really want to do my own exhibition and I need a lot money to do that. But, I don’t know if it’s worth it… but I don’t have time to waste anymore.