personal

Gray blanket

The city sleeps tucked in under a thick gray blanket. The sun seems to lazy to rise up, so waking up gets harder by the day.

I wish I would wake up to live for myself. I don’t want to be a slave. I want to get up motivated and start working on executing my ideas and create something. I want to give life to my creativity. I want to change minds. I want to influence lives.

I open my eyes and feel the tiredness taking over, hurting every muscle in my body. It cooperates with misery and together they make me loose interest in living.

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A book, a coffee and a park

There’s nothing more I love doing on a day off than going to my favorite place in the city with the book I’m currently reading, to just relax and enjoy a cup of coffee.

I’ve got my back against a tree, fully relaxed seating on the grass. My face is under a deep shadow, but my legs are getting sun tanned and it feels good to feel the heat on my skin. There is a nice chilly breeze brushing my face and hair, from time to time. It keeps reminding my how good it it’s to be alive.

Rad Bradbury’s “Something Wicked This Way Comes” goes well with a coconut macchiato. The taste of the Summer and the story of the Autumn. The sparkling of the water gets my attention between lines, just enough to gather my thoughts and go along with Jim’s and Will’s carnival adventure. People are passing by me, enthralled in their conversation. Friends, couples, pets, individuals. People living their life.

After finishing my coffee and couple of chapters, I’ve recharged my battery’s with my favorite protein bar and took a long walk all around the park to empty my head of the bad energy from the negative events that build up during the entire week.

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We are all alone

Sometimes I get cozy in life enough to think that I have a person who loves me. I let him hug me and kiss me and I let myself do the same to him. I look at him and his face makes me smile because I’m pleased. Inside of me, I’m longing for a touch and when I feel those touches, I forget all of the difficulties and troubles in life. I forget where I am and who I am.

Sometimes I get cozy in life enough to open up and start talking about everything I can think of, thinking I can say it. Thinking there’s a meaning if I say it. Thinking there’s a person who cares if I say it.

Sometimes I forget that I’m alone. We are all alone. No one cares for anyone. At moments you might think opposite, but those are the moments when you accidentally drag yourself into a delusion, only because you’ve let yourself get cozy enough. And you’re not suppose to let yourself get cozy. You can’t forget that you can not get cozy. Because you don’t get anything good of getting cozy, other than momentarily satisfaction. But when you remember, reality bites you so hard, you realize that you’re just an empty skeleton that will lose it’s soul at some point. Alone. Because no body cares.

Saturday morning feels good when it’s a day off work

9 am, I’m seating on my bed, enjoying the sunshine that’s getting through my wide open windows. I’m having my tall glass of dark Nescafe without milk or sugar, but with lots of ice cubes, literally chilling right next to me. I’ve been drinking my coffee without any milk for a while now and it taste really good.

 

Sunny daylight. Sips of cold mildly bitter liquid. Music.

 

For some reason, I’ve ignored John Mayer’s “The Search for Everything” for a year and a half and for some other reason, I’ve started listen to it in the past few days and it just sounds perfect at this moment. And it’s even perfect on a Saturday morning that’s a day off work!

I’m about to start reading a new book until I feel fully awaken and get ready for some other activities. I’m planning on visiting three museums and one gallery today. There are few exhibitions in the city and I haven’t had the time to see them. I usually get a Sunday off, so now that it’s Saturday I can finally get to do couple of things I want to do.

I wish I can get a job where my weekend days would forever be none working days. A job where I’ll only be working first shift. A job where I would be payed at least the standard amount of payment.

 

Screw it! I’m not thinking about my job today! It’s all about relaxation and enjoyment today!

Young at body, old at heart

I realized that I’ve grown really old at heart in the past few years. People my age consider themselves young and they are right. But I’ve always felt very old and with each year passing by, I feel like my life is ending and I’m worried that I’ve wasted my life doing nothing.

I know things can change. I know that I should be on that “do the things you want to do in life” positive type of attitude. I know that I should relax and enjoy all that I can every day. I know all of that, but somehow I can’t do it. When I go to bed at night and the day has ended, I realize that I’ve wasted my day stressing out about everything and anything and haven’t enjoy a minute. I always feel like shit and I rarely find things that I like.

I’ve wasted my 20’s thinking I’m old and feeling like my life is about to end any day now. Which could possibly be true, but also it might not.

I have so many wishes and goals and hopes. But I should really put one on the top and that’s it to find a way to be positive and enjoy every moment for itself without thinking about what’s going to happened throughout the day. I should find a way to be present.

Everything else should be second.

Tired of dead end jobs

Yesterday I started my 10 day training at a “drogerie markt” place where I would be working as a salesperson for less than the minimum wage salary, if I except the job after the training. The only way you can earn a promotion at this job is by working that position with that salary for one or two years. Those are their rules.

So I find myself as a 28 years old person with no better alternative in life than fighting for a saleslady position at a market so maybe one day in the future it will be my career, but I would be payed a bit more than the minimum page in my country.

What an exciting goal to have!

I’m tired of not having a better options. I’m tired of fighting for a minimum wage salary. I’m tired of working jobs that have nothing to do with my college degree. I’m tired of wasting years on dead end jobs. I’m tired of being constantly broke. I’m tired of keep quitting jobs and starting new ones because they are payed very little and aren’t worth of keeping.

I’m tired of disappointing my mom and boyfriend. I’m tired on not being able to make money like any other person. I’m tired of being useless.

How to handle stress

All I do is think about things that make me stressed. While I’m at work, I can’t stop feeling nervous all the time, almost like I wait for something bad to happen. When I’m out of work, I keep thinking about the stuff that happened at work and generally throughout the day.

I try to stop those kinds of thoughts, but lately I’m having a really hard time at doing so. I might stop them for like a half a minute and focus on something else, but then I realize new stressful thoughts are on my mind, they formed against my will, almost secretly.  And when I realize I have them, I try to blocked them out, but it doesn’t last for too long. They constantly re-form all the time. I’m really tired of it!

I try to do things I enjoy doing like reading a book, drawing on my Wacom, watching a good tv series, walk outside while it’s sunny. But nothings seems to keep my focus because stressful thoughts appear ALL THE TIME.

Literally, I get excited about a new episode and I make myself comfortable and I start watching it and somewhere along the way… I realize even though my eyes are fixed on the screen, I’m not watching what’s on it, I’m actually thinking about something stressful.

I’ve never had that problem before. I mean, I’ve always had stressful thoughts just like anybody else, but while I was doing something I really liked, I was most of the time focused on and uninterpreted by stress in that way.

Now I  can’t seem to find a way to relax.

I can’t sleep.

I don’t even enjoy spending time with my loved once because I’m too stressed out.