I remember couple of years ago I thought: it’s not hard to be alone, I could easily do that. I’m with myself all the time, I’ll focus on things I like, like books and tv series. I’ll walk in the city park, I’ll ride my bicycle, I’ll check out art exhibitions, I’ll work a job. I’ll find thing to please myself and be happy.
Now after I’ve lost all of my friends in the past 2 or 3 years, now that I’ve lost my partner that I’ve been 7 years with, now that I’ve lost my job and can’t find another one… now I feel different. I don’t think I can be alone. Being alone it’s a constant reminder that you’re possibly a disgusting person.
I think I knew back then that I will be alone in the future and I was trying to convince myself that it’s okay and that it will be fine. Well, I did happened.
There’s nothing I can really do about it now. It is what it is. I just have to learn to live with it.
Next month we’ll round off 7 years of relationship. If we make it by than.
Last night he said we have a fake love and a fake relationship. I don’t. I have nothing but the realest love, passion and deep affection. Sure, we don’t have the same opinions and we often get into conflict about many things, but that doesn’t have to do anything with our love and feelings. It just means we have a different perspective on things. Is that bad? Does that make a person give fake love to another?
7 fucking years.
Most of my 20s.
FUCK YOUR FAKE LOVE.
My spirit is broken. I’m buried in a mountainous fathomless void of joylessness without any sense of direction for a way out. I’m shrouded with a dense heavy haze of despair.
My aura has the color of melancholia.
I’m broke. I have nothing. No value.
I have no idea what to do anymore.
I’ve never felt more helpless in my entire life. I’ve never felt more useless and my life never seemed more empty and meaningless.
My ex best friend got married two weeks ago.
Another couple who’s 2-3 years younger than me and my boyfriend and are few years less in a relationship just got engaged tonight. Both of them have great jobs with big salaries and they moved in this amazing apartment few months ago.
I on the other hand, can’t even find a job. I’m constantly broke and can’t afford anything. We can’t get married because we don’t have any income and we’ve been together for 7 years. I’m losing any hope I had… I can’t seem to find a way to have a life. I’m stuck and I’m wasting my years away.
I literally can’t handle another year of disappointment.
“If there’s something that you don’t like, change it. If you can’t change it, then change your attitude. Have a positive point of view because positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events and outcomes.”
A caption a wrote for an instagram pic I shared today.
I want to think positive thoughts. But i struggle to do so. I struggle because it’s getting harder and harder to find things to be positive about. I feel time slipping away without making any progress. I feel like I’m stuck in a quick sand and when I try to be positive about getting out of it, I make an action to escape, but every move a do, makes me sink deeper in it.
Is it worth to have a positive attitude, while being stuck in one spot and not being able to move, because if you do, it’ll get worst?
I’ve never felt more lonely in my entire life.
My friends are no longer my friends, everyone is going forward with their life with the excuses like “I don’t have the time right now, I’ll call you when I do” and “I forgot about you, remind me again”.
My boyfriend is focused on his problems, while looking for answers as if he forgot that I exist. At moments…
I haven’t received a call back from any of the couple of job interviews I had recently, time goes by and it goes by in vain. I’m bankrupt.
The sun shines bright, the colors are vivid, but they are faded to me, they seem fake, fabricated.
I don’t know what to do with myself…
I keep my window blinds low, my room covered in dimmed light.
I don’t know what to do with myself.
Small amount of coffee is filling my glass, I don’t feel like finishing it. I’m thinking of going for a walk, but even though I’m bored at home, there’s something that’s keeping me from going outside. Why? Why should I go outside? There’s nothing outside. If a take a walk, I’ll come right back again to this chair. And this laptop. And this feeling. No… I don’t think I’ll be taking a walk.
It seems it’s going to rain. No sunshine today. It feels good for a change.
My mum left the country with a friend. That’s great, she deserves it, I hope she enjoys going to the beach. My boyfriend left town, he had to visit someone from his family. My friends are still gone, I have no idea where.
I can’t stop staring through my terrace door. A tree. Not a good looking one. Green. There’s no reason to go outside. There’s no reason to stay in.