bad feeling

Work without play

My boyfriend and I are both working jobs that are payed very low and hard at doing. We both have hard time accepting are current jobs and we both have almost impossible chances of doing something better.

Because of our shifts lately, we hardly even see each other. We don’t go anywhere and we don’t do anything. We go to work and than we go home. We have no fun. We can’t enjoy the summer. We miss many interesting events in town and we don’t see our friends.

I’m aware that surviving it’s more important than having fun. But, what’s the point? Home-work, work-home. Work that’s fucking horrible.

Time is passing by, year by year. We manage to somehow survive, but we don’t move on to better things. No progress. No goals or wishes completed.

No money. No home. No family. No career. No happiness.

No play.

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Is it worth it to keep going

People keep saying to me “A job is a job, keep on working it”, “At least you’re working”, “You’re working an honest job, so what if it’s a job you’re not liking it” and similar stuff.

I don’t know if it’s just a consolation that’s an excuse because there’s nothing else to be said. Or maybe it’s my destiny. Maybe I will forever struggle and never find something that I’ll love doing. Not everyone has a happy life.

I know I’m complaining. I know I’m weak.

But I can’t live a life where I’m constantly disappointed and angry and in a search for something better and always failing. I can’t work jobs that I hate. I’m getting more depressed every day. I’m always in a bad mood and I often treat my loved once without respect because I’m not feeling okay.

I know I should do something about it. I’M TRYING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. But I can’t seem to actually do something that will change my life in a better way. I’m not succeeding. I’m trying, but failing.

Maybe I’m destined to struggle and fail.

10 days done, how many more to go?

I just finished my 10 days training at the new job. I’ve never worked more for less money in my entire life. It seems things are only getting worse at finding a proper job.

I understand nothing is easy, especially when you’re new at a job. I understand I have to hustle, just like thousands of other people. But, it’s just not worth it. I would be okay to hustle a job for a year or two knowing that after that I’ll get a good promotion and most importantly, I’ll like the job I’ll be working for the rest of my life.

I just…

…don’t see myself being a saleslady at a market till I became an old woman and retire.

I want more in life. I want my working to mean something. I don’t want to be just another robot who spends their day doing something that doesn’t make a difference in anything.

Most importantly, I want to have a job where I won’t be depressed and won’t be contemplating suicide.

Tired of dead end jobs

Yesterday I started my 10 day training at a “drogerie markt” place where I would be working as a salesperson for less than the minimum wage salary, if I except the job after the training. The only way you can earn a promotion at this job is by working that position with that salary for one or two years. Those are their rules.

So I find myself as a 28 years old person with no better alternative in life than fighting for a saleslady position at a market so maybe one day in the future it will be my career, but I would be payed a bit more than the minimum page in my country.

What an exciting goal to have!

I’m tired of not having a better options. I’m tired of fighting for a minimum wage salary. I’m tired of working jobs that have nothing to do with my college degree. I’m tired of wasting years on dead end jobs. I’m tired of being constantly broke. I’m tired of keep quitting jobs and starting new ones because they are payed very little and aren’t worth of keeping.

I’m tired of disappointing my mom and boyfriend. I’m tired on not being able to make money like any other person. I’m tired of being useless.

How to handle stress

All I do is think about things that make me stressed. While I’m at work, I can’t stop feeling nervous all the time, almost like I wait for something bad to happen. When I’m out of work, I keep thinking about the stuff that happened at work and generally throughout the day.

I try to stop those kinds of thoughts, but lately I’m having a really hard time at doing so. I might stop them for like a half a minute and focus on something else, but then I realize new stressful thoughts are on my mind, they formed against my will, almost secretly.  And when I realize I have them, I try to blocked them out, but it doesn’t last for too long. They constantly re-form all the time. I’m really tired of it!

I try to do things I enjoy doing like reading a book, drawing on my Wacom, watching a good tv series, walk outside while it’s sunny. But nothings seems to keep my focus because stressful thoughts appear ALL THE TIME.

Literally, I get excited about a new episode and I make myself comfortable and I start watching it and somewhere along the way… I realize even though my eyes are fixed on the screen, I’m not watching what’s on it, I’m actually thinking about something stressful.

I’ve never had that problem before. I mean, I’ve always had stressful thoughts just like anybody else, but while I was doing something I really liked, I was most of the time focused on and uninterpreted by stress in that way.

Now I  can’t seem to find a way to relax.

I can’t sleep.

I don’t even enjoy spending time with my loved once because I’m too stressed out.

Being alone ain’t easy

I remember couple of years ago I thought: it’s not hard to be alone, I could easily do that. I mean… you are with yourself all the time, right? I think people usually forget that.

I’ll focus on things I like, like books and tv series. I’ll walk in the city park, I’ll ride my bicycle, I’ll check out art exhibitions, I’ll work a job, I’ll draw. I’ll find thing to please myself and be happy.

I think I knew back then that I will be alone in the future and I was trying to convince myself that it’s okay and that it will be fine. Well, it’s a perfect example of the Murphy’s law. It’s exactly what happened.

There’s nothing I can really do about it now. It is what it is. I just have to learn to live with it.