bad feeling

Have a positive attitude

“If there’s something that you don’t like, change it. If you can’t change it, then change your attitude. Have a positive point of view because positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events and outcomes.”

A caption a wrote for an instagram pic I shared today.

I want to think positive thoughts. But i struggle to do so. I struggle because it’s getting harder and harder to find things to be positive about. I feel time slipping away without making any progress. I feel like I’m stuck in a quick sand and when I try to be positive about getting out of it, I make an action to escape, but every move a do, makes me sink deeper in it.

Is it worth to have a positive attitude, while being stuck in one spot and not being able to move, because if you do, it’ll get worst?

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Lonely

I’ve never felt more lonely in my entire life.

My friends are no longer my friends, everyone is going forward with their life with the excuses like “I don’t have the time right now, I’ll call you when I do” and “I forgot about you, remind me again”.

My boyfriend is focused on his problems, while looking for answers as if he forgot that I exist. At moments…

I haven’t received a call back from any of the couple of job interviews I had recently, time goes by and it goes by in vain. I’m bankrupt.

The sun shines bright, the colors are vivid, but they are faded to me, they seem fake, fabricated.

I don’t know what to do with myself…

Saturday doesn’t feel like it used to

I keep my window blinds low, my room covered in dimmed light.

I don’t know what to do with myself.

Small amount of coffee is filling my glass, I don’t feel like finishing it. I’m thinking of going for a walk, but even though I’m bored at home, there’s something that’s keeping me from going outside. Why? Why should I go outside? There’s nothing outside. If a take a walk, I’ll come right back again to this chair. And this laptop. And this feeling. No… I don’t think I’ll be taking a walk.

It seems it’s going to rain. No sunshine today. It feels good for a change.

My mum left the country with a friend. That’s great, she deserves it, I hope she enjoys going to the beach. My boyfriend left town, he had to visit someone from his family. My friends are still gone, I have no idea where.

 

I can’t stop staring through my terrace door. A tree. Not a good looking one. Green. There’s no reason to go outside. There’s no reason to stay in.

Cutoff

In the past couple of days I’ve been cutoff from society.

I’m still out of job. I’m still out of friends. I’m still out of touch from my surroundings.

Sadly, I’ve had issues with my laptop so I had to take it to a repairing service. That means I had to put on pause my 3ds max lessons. I wanted to be a part of the new furniture competition which is due 1st of October, but I’m afraid that with my current situation I will loose half of the given time. It’s a big set back!

This whole weekend I’ve been alone. My boyfriend’s out of town, so I’ve been staying mostly at home. The past couple of days we’ve had 40 degrees Celsius temperature, so I’ve been avoiding going out side. I don’t have my bicycle, so I can’t even ride to the park.

Things haven’t been going good at all for me lately.

One thing I like is that I’ve been reading books. Also, watched a lot of the History channel, they have a lot of interesting documentaries. And that’s it.

Books, history documentaries and a reserved spot on a sofa sectional.

Face yourself

Be alone. Spend couple of days or a whole week detached from the world, so you can connect with yourself.

It’s sounds like an easy task. In a way it is, you can surely do it. But what will you learn? I thought it’d be great to take a break from humans and just enjoy myself and the simple things I like. I read books. I played video games. I watched tv shows and movies. I drew. I worked on learning 3d modeling. I did a lot of things.

But I didn’t do anything. I just spend a lot of time on the sofa, in front of my laptop. Time went by, a week was finished. I didn’t do anything and I was exceedingly aware of that. Aware of the time I wasted. Aware of my failures. Aware of my solitary.

“You’re a loser…”. “You can’t do anything”. “You wasted your life and accomplished nothing!”. “Loser!”. “Everyone is moving forward and you can’t move a level from the bottom.”. “Failure!”.

Who knew there were voices?

I isolated myself from the society and looked myself closely, thoroughly, intimately. I met myself. Look at me, touch me, turn me and twist me around, explore me, learn about me. This is me. This! There’s nothing you can do about it now, this is what I am and this is what I did. You like it?

I faced myself. I was confident and unruffled; I broke. I felt like I was lured in a corner and life kicked me and punched me and pounded me, stroked me, whipped me, trashed me, broke me!

I broke.

But I faced myself. And I like myself as a person, I just don’t like my life. I feel like I can do so much more. Now knowing that, I will try even harder to achieve all that I want and earn all that I deserve.

Face yourself. It won’t be easy, but it’s worth it.

High voltage ~ Висок напон

My head is throbbing, my vision is unclear.

Keep your eyes closed, focus on the darkness. Massaging my temples eases the tension a bit. For the moment. Clockwise circles, clockwise circles, clockwise circles…

I give up!

Get up! Can’t be in bed all day… I have to work on new designs. I might just come up with something decent today. I have to work on more tasks, make more cents. I have to keep reading and move to the next book. I have to… I have to… I have to do all these pointless stuff that doesn’t really change anything. But I have to.

…Strange but familiar vibrations are passing through my body as if you touch me, you’ll get electrocuted. Tension… I have to relax a bit… I have to work… Relax…

Work! I’m 27 and I don’t have any work experience, not a penny in the bank, nor any future prosperity.

…I took my daily vitamins and a painkiller, I hope they’ll help, but I doubt it.


Главата ми тропа, визијата ми е нејасна.

Само држи ги очите затворени, фокусирај се на темнината. Масирањево на слепоочниците ми помага да се намали тензијата барем малку. Моментално. Кругови во насока на стрелките на часовникот, кругови во насока на стрелките на часовникот, кругови во насока на стрелките на часовникот…

Се предавам!

Стани! Не можам да бидам цел ден во кревет… Морам да работам на нови дизајни. Можеби денес ќе осмислам нешто пристојно. Морам да работам да повеќе задачи, да заработам повеќе центи. Морам да продолжам да читам и да преминам на наредната книга. Морам… морам… морам да ги правам сите овие бесмислени нешта кои ништо не менуваат. Но морам.

….Чудни но познати вибрации поминуваат низ моето тело како да ако ме допреш, ќе претрпиш електричен удар. Тензија… морам да се релаксирам малку… Морам да работам… Релаксирање…

Работи! Имам 27 години и немам еден ден работен стаж, ниту еден денар во банка, ниту просперитет за иднина.

…Ги испив дневните витамини и апче против болка, се надевам дека ќе помогнат, но се сомневам.