I remember couple of years ago I thought: it’s not hard to be alone, I could easily do that. I’m with myself all the time, I’ll focus on things I like, like books and tv series. I’ll walk in the city park, I’ll ride my bicycle, I’ll check out art exhibitions, I’ll work a job. I’ll find thing to please myself and be happy.
Now after I’ve lost all of my friends in the past 2 or 3 years, now that I’ve lost my partner that I’ve been 7 years with, now that I’ve lost my job and can’t find another one… now I feel different. I don’t think I can be alone. Being alone it’s a constant reminder that you’re possibly a disgusting person.
I think I knew back then that I will be alone in the future and I was trying to convince myself that it’s okay and that it will be fine. Well, I did happened.
There’s nothing I can really do about it now. It is what it is. I just have to learn to live with it.
I keep my window blinds low, my room covered in dimmed light.
I don’t know what to do with myself.
Small amount of coffee is filling my glass, I don’t feel like finishing it. I’m thinking of going for a walk, but even though I’m bored at home, there’s something that’s keeping me from going outside. Why? Why should I go outside? There’s nothing outside. If a take a walk, I’ll come right back again to this chair. And this laptop. And this feeling. No… I don’t think I’ll be taking a walk.
It seems it’s going to rain. No sunshine today. It feels good for a change.
My mum left the country with a friend. That’s great, she deserves it, I hope she enjoys going to the beach. My boyfriend left town, he had to visit someone from his family. My friends are still gone, I have no idea where.
I can’t stop staring through my terrace door. A tree. Not a good looking one. Green. There’s no reason to go outside. There’s no reason to stay in.
In the past couple of days I’ve been cutoff from society.
I’m still out of job. I’m still out of friends. I’m still out of touch from my surroundings.
Sadly, I’ve had issues with my laptop so I had to take it to a repairing service. That means I had to put on pause my 3ds max lessons. I wanted to be a part of the new furniture competition which is due 1st of October, but I’m afraid that with my current situation I will loose half of the given time. It’s a big set back!
This whole weekend I’ve been alone. My boyfriend’s out of town, so I’ve been staying mostly at home. The past couple of days we’ve had 40 degrees Celsius temperature, so I’ve been avoiding going out side. I don’t have my bicycle, so I can’t even ride to the park.
Things haven’t been going good at all for me lately.
One thing I like is that I’ve been reading books. Also, watched a lot of the History channel, they have a lot of interesting documentaries. And that’s it.
Books, history documentaries and a reserved spot on a sofa sectional.