writing

Work without play

My boyfriend and I are both working jobs that are payed very low and hard at doing. We both have hard time accepting are current jobs and we both have almost impossible chances of doing something better.

Because of our shifts lately, we hardly even see each other. We don’t go anywhere and we don’t do anything. We go to work and than we go home. We have no fun. We can’t enjoy the summer. We miss many interesting events in town and we don’t see our friends.

I’m aware that surviving it’s more important than having fun. But, what’s the point? Home-work, work-home. Work that’s fucking horrible.

Time is passing by, year by year. We manage to somehow survive, but we don’t move on to better things. No progress. No goals or wishes completed.

No money. No home. No family. No career. No happiness.

No play.

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Is it worth it to keep going

People keep saying to me “A job is a job, keep on working it”, “At least you’re working”, “You’re working an honest job, so what if it’s a job you’re not liking it” and similar stuff.

I don’t know if it’s just a consolation that’s an excuse because there’s nothing else to be said. Or maybe it’s my destiny. Maybe I will forever struggle and never find something that I’ll love doing. Not everyone has a happy life.

I know I’m complaining. I know I’m weak.

But I can’t live a life where I’m constantly disappointed and angry and in a search for something better and always failing. I can’t work jobs that I hate. I’m getting more depressed every day. I’m always in a bad mood and I often treat my loved once without respect because I’m not feeling okay.

I know I should do something about it. I’M TRYING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. But I can’t seem to actually do something that will change my life in a better way. I’m not succeeding. I’m trying, but failing.

Maybe I’m destined to struggle and fail.

Tired of dead end jobs

Yesterday I started my 10 day training at a “drogerie markt” place where I would be working as a salesperson for less than the minimum wage salary, if I except the job after the training. The only way you can earn a promotion at this job is by working that position with that salary for one or two years. Those are their rules.

So I find myself as a 28 years old person with no better alternative in life than fighting for a saleslady position at a market so maybe one day in the future it will be my career, but I would be payed a bit more than the minimum page in my country.

What an exciting goal to have!

I’m tired of not having a better options. I’m tired of fighting for a minimum wage salary. I’m tired of working jobs that have nothing to do with my college degree. I’m tired of wasting years on dead end jobs. I’m tired of being constantly broke. I’m tired of keep quitting jobs and starting new ones because they are payed very little and aren’t worth of keeping.

I’m tired of disappointing my mom and boyfriend. I’m tired on not being able to make money like any other person. I’m tired of being useless.

In the morning

I wonder what time it is. 10:30 am? Nah, it must be 11.

My room is dark as it was when I went to bed last night. Window blinds are all the way down so they don’t let any light inside. Windows are shut closed so it will be as quiet as possible. Don’t wanna be awaken too early by the traffic noise or the birds chirping.

 

I slowly get up like I’ve been sleeping only 5 hours and not the 9 I just did. I go to the bathroom, wash my face with cold water and my teeth with Parodontax and move along to the kitchen.

Tall glass on the counter top.

I put one teaspoon of classic Nescafe inside.

Add splash of cold water. Swirl it around with a coffee hand machine till it’s full of foam. Add cold milk till it gets a beige color.

Nice tall glass of cold unsweetened coffee.

 

I turn my laptop on and open SoundCloud. I put on some Soja music as loud as the laptop lets me. I plug my Wacom in the laptop and turn the SketchBook on.

Sweet reggae music, cold iced coffee and sketching.

No one home, but me. No one to bother me.

 

Favorite type of morning.

One year back on wordpress

So last year on my birthday I started writing again on wordpress.

https://xdreamsxromancexexcessx.wordpress.com/2017/05/09/comeback-is-real/

I’ve gotta say, not much has changed. It feels good to sometimes write about something that’s on your mind or to just share experience. I feel like I don’t do that as much as I want. Sometimes I just forget. I’m not really used to writing as often. Sometimes I want to, but I change my mind for some reason. Sometimes I feel like it’s not worth it.

I will try to write more this year. I want to. I will try.

Everything will be okay

You’re chilling on your front porch or balcony, doing nothing but relaxing on a comfy chair. The sun setted up half an hour ago and it’s fully night and the stars and the moon are delicately shining. It’s not warm nor cold, it’s perfect. You hear the tree leaves rustle, they move gently under the wind’s touch.

That breeze on you skin. Lightly brushing your face. Faintly stroking your hair.

It’s the feeling of being safe. It’s like life is trying to ensure you that everything will be okay.

How to handle stress

All I do is think about things that make me stressed. While I’m at work, I can’t stop feeling nervous all the time, almost like I wait for something bad to happen. When I’m out of work, I keep thinking about the stuff that happened at work and generally throughout the day.

I try to stop those kinds of thoughts, but lately I’m having a really hard time at doing so. I might stop them for like a half a minute and focus on something else, but then I realize new stressful thoughts are on my mind, they formed against my will, almost secretly.  And when I realize I have them, I try to blocked them out, but it doesn’t last for too long. They constantly re-form all the time. I’m really tired of it!

I try to do things I enjoy doing like reading a book, drawing on my Wacom, watching a good tv series, walk outside while it’s sunny. But nothings seems to keep my focus because stressful thoughts appear ALL THE TIME.

Literally, I get excited about a new episode and I make myself comfortable and I start watching it and somewhere along the way… I realize even though my eyes are fixed on the screen, I’m not watching what’s on it, I’m actually thinking about something stressful.

I’ve never had that problem before. I mean, I’ve always had stressful thoughts just like anybody else, but while I was doing something I really liked, I was most of the time focused on and uninterpreted by stress in that way.

Now I  can’t seem to find a way to relax.

I can’t sleep.

I don’t even enjoy spending time with my loved once because I’m too stressed out.