writing

I feel America

I feel America in the air; the sun; the wind. I feel like I’m breathing american air. I feel like I’m surrounded by american city and people. I feel like I’m walking on an american ground.

I think I can almost smell the ocean. I feel like if I walk a bit more and turn on the right corner, the ocean will come up in front of me.

It’s the air. Something in the air. I can’t shake it off. The air confuses my brain making it wonder if I’m in America again. My brain thinks about it and I come to realization that I’m not in America, but all of my senses are telling me I am.

What the fuck?!

I’ve spend almost 5 months in Block Island (Rhode Island) almost 7 years ago! It’s been 7 years. Only 5 months. But sometimes I feel like I’m still there. Specific kind of wind will give me the feeling of Block Island and it instantly transports me there. Specific kind of sunshine. Specific kind of smell.

It’s so weird. And I’ve been feeling like this for at least 2 days now. I can’t shake this feeling of. In a way, I like it. It makes me feel the way I felt when I was there. But I also hate it, because I know it’s just a memory.

I wish I could go to Block Island again in this life. Just once more before I die. I want to breath Block Island air again and take a swim in the ocean.

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An idea is making my head spin

Lot of the times, when I get an idea that I think is more than good, my head starts to spin. I get excited about the idea and start thinking about it, and at that moment my brain starts working incredibly fast and it makes itself dizzy. My head starts to hurt and I get this tingling sensation in my body. Almost like I panic as if I need to hurry and execute my idea because I don’t have enough time. But most of the time I do have the time. Most of the time it’s just an idea that came to me randomly. But I can’t help myself of getting overwhelmed by that nervous feeling. Is it excitement? Hysteria? Anxiety?

How to overcome it?

Bunch of small things make a great day

Finally, a day of work. After two exhausting 12 hour night shifts I’ve got a day and a half of. I used the half of to sleep yesterday and I relaxed this friday doing bunch of things I liked.

First, I got a haircut. My first this year. I hate going to the hairdresser because I hate the whole process of getting the haircut. Someone washing your hair, then cutting it, then drying it. I really really reeeeeeeeeeeally don’t like it. But, once I get the haircut I feel so much better. I always make a promise to myself to do it more often, but I never actually do it.

Then, I spend the whole day either playing csgo with my friends or laying on the sofa watching Jessica Jones.

And, to end the day properly I went to a small, but awesome exhibition and saw some great art. Afterwards, took a walk in the city park and went home.

The small things that makes us happy at moments are really what matters the most. They make random days great and they preserve are nerves from stress.

Hustle until you get what you want

In the past half a year, things haven’t been going as I’ve planed. It feels like every time I take a step forward, I move three steps back right away. Progress is so slow, almost non existent.

But I do whatever it takes to keep my dream and idea alive. Most of the time I feel like giving up, but giving up seems pointless, because nothing will change if I give in. If I push forward, I can only gain. If I get lucky.

So I hustle. I hustle with worthless jobs and good for nothing salary’s. I hustle with figuring out new ways to get closer to what I want. I hustle with brainstorming and overthinking and conceptualizing and creating. I hustle with keeping my mental health on the right track and staying positive and optimistic.

Hustle and grind, there is no other option.

Being alone ain’t easy

I remember couple of years ago I thought: it’s not hard to be alone, I could easily do that. I mean… you are with yourself all the time, right? I think people usually forget that.

I’ll focus on things I like, like books and tv series. I’ll walk in the city park, I’ll ride my bicycle, I’ll check out art exhibitions, I’ll work a job, I’ll draw. I’ll find thing to please myself and be happy.

I think I knew back then that I will be alone in the future and I was trying to convince myself that it’s okay and that it will be fine. Well, it’s a perfect example of the Murphy’s law. It’s exactly what happened.

There’s nothing I can really do about it now. It is what it is. I just have to learn to live with it.