Last weekend I’ve got 2 days off from work so I went with my boyfriend to Ohrid, or Peshtani to be more precise. I’ve spend third of my paycheck and somehow I don’t care. I needed to get out of the city and just chill.
I really like this place. The house that we stayed in was located one small street across from the lake which was perfect. We had a great view from the balcony and most importantly, we would just get out of the house, cross the street and find ourselves on the beach.
Took couple of swims, enjoyed my very favorite thing: floating on the water. Layed on the beach for hours, relaxing our bodies from work. Enjoyed the sun and the wind. Read a book. Cooked a little. Had great sex. Took long walks around the neighborhood at night, taking it all in. The sounds of the waves, the music from the restaurants, the peoples laughs. Had a cocktail by the bay with the most perfect sunset you can get. Slept.
Relaxed a bit.
I realized that I’ve grown really old at heart in the past few years. People my age consider themselves young and they are right. But I’ve always felt very old and with each year passing by, I feel like my life is ending and I’m worried that I’ve wasted my life doing nothing.
I know things can change. I know that I should be on that “do the things you want to do in life” positive type of attitude. I know that I should relax and enjoy all that I can every day. I know all of that, but somehow I can’t do it. When I go to bed at night and the day has ended, I realize that I’ve wasted my day stressing out about everything and anything and haven’t enjoy a minute. I always feel like shit and I rarely find things that I like.
I’ve wasted my 20’s thinking I’m old and feeling like my life is about to end any day now. Which could possibly be true, but also it might not.
I have so many wishes and goals and hopes. But I should really put one on the top and that’s it to find a way to be positive and enjoy every moment for itself without thinking about what’s going to happened throughout the day. I should find a way to be present.
Everything else should be second.
My boyfriend and I are both working jobs that are payed very low and hard at doing. We both have hard time accepting are current jobs and we both have almost impossible chances of doing something better.
Because of our shifts lately, we hardly even see each other. We don’t go anywhere and we don’t do anything. We go to work and than we go home. We have no fun. We can’t enjoy the summer. We miss many interesting events in town and we don’t see our friends.
I’m aware that surviving it’s more important than having fun. But, what’s the point? Home-work, work-home. Work that’s fucking horrible.
Time is passing by, year by year. We manage to somehow survive, but we don’t move on to better things. No progress. No goals or wishes completed.
No money. No home. No family. No career. No happiness.
People keep saying to me “A job is a job, keep on working it”, “At least you’re working”, “You’re working an honest job, so what if it’s a job you’re not liking it” and similar stuff.
I don’t know if it’s just a consolation that’s an excuse because there’s nothing else to be said. Or maybe it’s my destiny. Maybe I will forever struggle and never find something that I’ll love doing. Not everyone has a happy life.
I know I’m complaining. I know I’m weak.
But I can’t live a life where I’m constantly disappointed and angry and in a search for something better and always failing. I can’t work jobs that I hate. I’m getting more depressed every day. I’m always in a bad mood and I often treat my loved once without respect because I’m not feeling okay.
I know I should do something about it. I’M TRYING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. But I can’t seem to actually do something that will change my life in a better way. I’m not succeeding. I’m trying, but failing.
Maybe I’m destined to struggle and fail.
Yesterday I started my 10 day training at a “drogerie markt” place where I would be working as a salesperson for less than the minimum wage salary, if I except the job after the training. The only way you can earn a promotion at this job is by working that position with that salary for one or two years. Those are their rules.
So I find myself as a 28 years old person with no better alternative in life than fighting for a saleslady position at a market so maybe one day in the future it will be my career, but I would be payed a bit more than the minimum page in my country.
What an exciting goal to have!
I’m tired of not having a better options. I’m tired of fighting for a minimum wage salary. I’m tired of working jobs that have nothing to do with my college degree. I’m tired of wasting years on dead end jobs. I’m tired of being constantly broke. I’m tired of keep quitting jobs and starting new ones because they are payed very little and aren’t worth of keeping.
I’m tired of disappointing my mom and boyfriend. I’m tired on not being able to make money like any other person. I’m tired of being useless.
I wonder what time it is. 10:30 am? Nah, it must be 11.
My room is dark as it was when I went to bed last night. Window blinds are all the way down so they don’t let any light inside. Windows are shut closed so it will be as quiet as possible. Don’t wanna be awaken too early by the traffic noise or the birds chirping.
I slowly get up like I’ve been sleeping only 5 hours and not the 9 I just did. I go to the bathroom, wash my face with cold water and my teeth with Parodontax and move along to the kitchen.
Tall glass on the counter top.
I put one teaspoon of classic Nescafe inside.
Add splash of cold water. Swirl it around with a coffee hand machine till it’s full of foam. Add cold milk till it gets a beige color.
Nice tall glass of cold unsweetened coffee.
I turn my laptop on and open SoundCloud. I put on some Soja music as loud as the laptop lets me. I plug my Wacom in the laptop and turn the SketchBook on.
Sweet reggae music, cold iced coffee and sketching.
No one home, but me. No one to bother me.
Favorite type of morning.
So last year on my birthday I started writing again on wordpress.
I’ve gotta say, not much has changed. It feels good to sometimes write about something that’s on your mind or to just share experience. I feel like I don’t do that as much as I want. Sometimes I just forget. I’m not really used to writing as often. Sometimes I want to, but I change my mind for some reason. Sometimes I feel like it’s not worth it.
I will try to write more this year. I want to. I will try.