writing

Zen evening

A yellowish teardrop shaped flame is cheerfully dancing around it’s wick in a consistent pattern. What a comfy radiant routine! The terracotta is getting warmer and the oil mixed with water begins to blister.

Thin, almost translucent smoke slowly rises from the fiery fluid, like a
charmed snake by a pungi. Lavender scent is bundling up around every little atom in the room.

It’s turning auras into pastel purple.

I’m wrapped in my favorite blanket. The coziest, most softest micro fleece one. I’m laying on my living room sofa and reading a book. Currently I’m reading “Dune Messiah” which is the second book of the Dune series. I’m obsessed with Arrakis adventures!

In between pages I’m taking a sip of a warm unsweetened lemon balm tea and in between lines I’m listening to lo-fi tracks.

My way of dealing with everyday stress.

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Realizing what I want to do

I’m thinking of quitting my job because I really don’t like it, I make very little money and I’m not gaining any meaningful experience. 

While thinking about quitting, I made an imaginary conversation in my head with my supervisor. I started giving answers to the question: “What do you want to do if you quit this job?”. 

I want to finally do my brand of clothing. I have the name, the logo and view designs. I want to do more of that and I want to do pop up shops and want to see people wear my stuff. 

I want to draw more. I want to learn more about graphic design, I want to learn to use more designing programs and I want to do more designs. 

I want to start doing “traditional” art. I want to draw with all kinds of pencils, pens, brushes, graphite. I want to paint, I want to carve, I want to print.

I want to photograph more. I want to finally do my own photography exhibition. I want to buy amazing camera and do better photos. I want to take photos of everything in my life. 

I want to create. I want to wake up, be motivated, have an idea and do my best to execute my idea. I want at the end of the day to be like “I’ve made this! I worked today and created this. It’s the product of today’s work.”

I want to make things. I want people to see my things and have thoughts and emotions about what they see. 

I just want to create.

Gray blanket

The city sleeps tucked in under a thick gray blanket. The sun seems to lazy to rise up, so waking up gets harder by the day.

I wish I would wake up to live for myself. I don’t want to be a slave. I want to get up motivated and start working on executing my ideas and create something. I want to give life to my creativity. I want to change minds. I want to influence lives.

I open my eyes and feel the tiredness taking over, hurting every muscle in my body. It cooperates with misery and together they make me loose interest in living.

A book, a coffee and a park

There’s nothing more I love doing on a day off than going to my favorite place in the city with the book I’m currently reading, to just relax and enjoy a cup of coffee.

I’ve got my back against a tree, fully relaxed seating on the grass. My face is under a deep shadow, but my legs are getting sun tanned and it feels good to feel the heat on my skin. There is a nice chilly breeze brushing my face and hair, from time to time. It keeps reminding my how good it it’s to be alive.

Rad Bradbury’s “Something Wicked This Way Comes” goes well with a coconut macchiato. The taste of the Summer and the story of the Autumn. The sparkling of the water gets my attention between lines, just enough to gather my thoughts and go along with Jim’s and Will’s carnival adventure. People are passing by me, enthralled in their conversation. Friends, couples, pets, individuals. People living their life.

After finishing my coffee and couple of chapters, I’ve recharged my battery’s with my favorite protein bar and took a long walk all around the park to empty my head of the bad energy from the negative events that build up during the entire week.

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We are all alone

Sometimes I get cozy in life enough to think that I have a person who loves me. I let him hug me and kiss me and I let myself do the same to him. I look at him and his face makes me smile because I’m pleased. Inside of me, I’m longing for a touch and when I feel those touches, I forget all of the difficulties and troubles in life. I forget where I am and who I am.

Sometimes I get cozy in life enough to open up and start talking about everything I can think of, thinking I can say it. Thinking there’s a meaning if I say it. Thinking there’s a person who cares if I say it.

Sometimes I forget that I’m alone. We are all alone. No one cares for anyone. At moments you might think opposite, but those are the moments when you accidentally drag yourself into a delusion, only because you’ve let yourself get cozy enough. And you’re not suppose to let yourself get cozy. You can’t forget that you can not get cozy. Because you don’t get anything good of getting cozy, other than momentarily satisfaction. But when you remember, reality bites you so hard, you realize that you’re just an empty skeleton that will lose it’s soul at some point. Alone. Because no body cares.

Saturday morning feels good when it’s a day off work

9 am, I’m seating on my bed, enjoying the sunshine that’s getting through my wide open windows. I’m having my tall glass of dark Nescafe without milk or sugar, but with lots of ice cubes, literally chilling right next to me. I’ve been drinking my coffee without any milk for a while now and it taste really good.

 

Sunny daylight. Sips of cold mildly bitter liquid. Music.

 

For some reason, I’ve ignored John Mayer’s “The Search for Everything” for a year and a half and for some other reason, I’ve started listen to it in the past few days and it just sounds perfect at this moment. And it’s even perfect on a Saturday morning that’s a day off work!

I’m about to start reading a new book until I feel fully awaken and get ready for some other activities. I’m planning on visiting three museums and one gallery today. There are few exhibitions in the city and I haven’t had the time to see them. I usually get a Sunday off, so now that it’s Saturday I can finally get to do couple of things I want to do.

I wish I can get a job where my weekend days would forever be none working days. A job where I’ll only be working first shift. A job where I would be payed at least the standard amount of payment.

 

Screw it! I’m not thinking about my job today! It’s all about relaxation and enjoyment today!

Two days off spend by the lake

Last weekend I’ve got 2 days off from work so I went with my boyfriend to Ohrid, or Peshtani to be more precise. I’ve spend third of my paycheck and somehow I don’t care. I needed to get out of the city and just chill.

I really like this place. The house that we stayed in was located one small street across from the lake which was perfect. We had a great view from the balcony and most importantly, we would just get out of the house, cross the street and find ourselves on the beach.

Took couple of swims, enjoyed my very favorite thing: floating on the water. Layed on the beach for hours, relaxing our bodies from work. Enjoyed the sun and the wind. Read a book. Cooked a little. Had great sex. Took long walks around the neighborhood at night, taking it all in. The sounds of the waves, the music from the restaurants, the peoples laughs. Had a cocktail by the bay with the most perfect sunset you can get. Slept.

Relaxed a bit.