I realized that I’ve grown really old at heart in the past few years. People my age consider themselves young and they are right. But I’ve always felt very old and with each year passing by, I feel like my life is ending and I’m worried that I’ve wasted my life doing nothing.
I know things can change. I know that I should be on that “do the things you want to do in life” positive type of attitude. I know that I should relax and enjoy all that I can every day. I know all of that, but somehow I can’t do it. When I go to bed at night and the day has ended, I realize that I’ve wasted my day stressing out about everything and anything and haven’t enjoy a minute. I always feel like shit and I rarely find things that I like.
I’ve wasted my 20’s thinking I’m old and feeling like my life is about to end any day now. Which could possibly be true, but also it might not.
I have so many wishes and goals and hopes. But I should really put one on the top and that’s it to find a way to be positive and enjoy every moment for itself without thinking about what’s going to happened throughout the day. I should find a way to be present.
Everything else should be second.
I feel America in the air; the sun; the wind. I feel like I’m breathing american air. I feel like I’m surrounded by american city and people. I feel like I’m walking on an american ground.
I think I can almost smell the ocean. I feel like if I walk a bit more and turn on the right corner, the ocean will come up in front of me.
It’s the air. Something in the air. I can’t shake it off. The air confuses my brain making it wonder if I’m in America again. My brain thinks about it and I come to realization that I’m not in America, but all of my senses are telling me I am.
What the fuck?!
I’ve spend almost 5 months in Block Island (Rhode Island) almost 7 years ago! It’s been 7 years. Only 5 months. But sometimes I feel like I’m still there. Specific kind of wind will give me the feeling of Block Island and it instantly transports me there. Specific kind of sunshine. Specific kind of smell.
It’s so weird. And I’ve been feeling like this for at least 2 days now. I can’t shake this feeling of. In a way, I like it. It makes me feel the way I felt when I was there. But I also hate it, because I know it’s just a memory.
I wish I could go to Block Island again in this life. Just once more before I die. I want to breath Block Island air again and take a swim in the ocean.
More culture, less politics.
More gratification, less violence.
More art, less frustration.
More books, less talk.
More companionship, less foes.
More work, less labour.
I’m tired of people promoting dull unremarkable people.
“If there’s something that you don’t like, change it. If you can’t change it, then change your attitude. Have a positive point of view because positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events and outcomes.”
A caption a wrote for an instagram pic I shared today.
I want to think positive thoughts. But i struggle to do so. I struggle because it’s getting harder and harder to find things to be positive about. I feel time slipping away without making any progress. I feel like I’m stuck in a quick sand and when I try to be positive about getting out of it, I make an action to escape, but every move a do, makes me sink deeper in it.
Is it worth to have a positive attitude, while being stuck in one spot and not being able to move, because if you do, it’ll get worst?
I’ve never felt more lonely in my entire life.
The sun shines bright, the colors are vivid, but they are faded to me, they seem fake, fabricated.
I don’t know what to do with myself…
It’s time I stop thinking that everybody around me is better than me and start appreciate my true value.