motivation

Unemployed once again

After working a job a hated for 8 months, I finally quit.

I worked really hard. I did everything they’d asked me to do. I would be working the cash register all shift long. I would be receiving new products all shift long and work the papers. I would take care of the warehouse. I would fill shelves. I would clean. Clean the shop. Clean the warehouse. Clean the office and kitchen and the toilet. I would do everything they’d ask me to do. I lost 5 kg in 5 months. I gained muscles. I got exhausted physically and mentally. I got so tired of running around and working five positions at the same time and handling all kinds of people all day long. And they were paying me so little. I worked so hard for 8 months and they didn’t give me a promotion. They kept paying me a shitty payment under the minimal!

I felt used and unappreciated. And as days were passing by, I felt my creativity and motivation wading away.

So, I quit.

It’s been a week and I had time to rest. To think. To plan.

Now it’s time to work. Time to accomplish.

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Two weeks after

Two weeks ago I had my first solo exhibition. Something I thought it will never happened. Something that’s been one of my biggest wishes in life.

A whole month before the exhibition I entered a competition for a free exhibition at a beautiful gallery. The theme was homeless animals and I entered this photo:

I had most likes and I won a free exhibition. What a joy!

I called it “Белег” which means “Mark” and it’s the name of my clothing brand. I had 27 photographs exhibited, all taken over the course of the past 2 years.

I had my photos all set up. I had my playlist of hours of old school rock ready. I made hoodies with my design.

But, early in the morning snow begin to fall. Lots and lots and lots of snow. So much snow, it was hard to walk on the streets. It was so white. If it wasn’t my own exhibition, I would’ve stayed home.

Still, there were people. Around 40 of close ones and a dozen or two of random. There were others coming and going over the few days the exhibition was open.

I hope people liked it. I had a great time. The whole experience was a huge lesson. I’ve learned a lot of things which I hope will be helpful for my next event. I say event because it might be another photography show, it might be a drawing exhibition, or it might be a clothing pop up.

Realizing what I want to do

I’m thinking of quitting my job because I really don’t like it, I make very little money and I’m not gaining any meaningful experience. 

While thinking about quitting, I made an imaginary conversation in my head with my supervisor. I started giving answers to the question: “What do you want to do if you quit this job?”. 

I want to finally do my brand of clothing. I have the name, the logo and view designs. I want to do more of that and I want to do pop up shops and want to see people wear my stuff. 

I want to draw more. I want to learn more about graphic design, I want to learn to use more designing programs and I want to do more designs. 

I want to start doing “traditional” art. I want to draw with all kinds of pencils, pens, brushes, graphite. I want to paint, I want to carve, I want to print.

I want to photograph more. I want to finally do my own photography exhibition. I want to buy amazing camera and do better photos. I want to take photos of everything in my life. 

I want to create. I want to wake up, be motivated, have an idea and do my best to execute my idea. I want at the end of the day to be like “I’ve made this! I worked today and created this. It’s the product of today’s work.”

I want to make things. I want people to see my things and have thoughts and emotions about what they see. 

I just want to create.

Hustle until you get what you want

In the past half a year, things haven’t been going as I’ve planed. It feels like every time I take a step forward, I move three steps back right away. Progress is so slow, almost non existent.

But I do whatever it takes to keep my dream and idea alive. Most of the time I feel like giving up, but giving up seems pointless, because nothing will change if I give in. If I push forward, I can only gain. If I get lucky.

So I hustle. I hustle with worthless jobs and good for nothing salary’s. I hustle with figuring out new ways to get closer to what I want. I hustle with brainstorming and overthinking and conceptualizing and creating. I hustle with keeping my mental health on the right track and staying positive and optimistic.

Hustle and grind, there is no other option.

Motivation keeps the wheel turning

I’ve never been more excited about my photos. I think I finally put my finger on what I want to express and that is light. Light against darkness, light reflection, my kind of photographic chiaroscuro.

But also, I want to keep showing my perspective of the city. All kinds of streets and buildings, architecture details, corners, people, life.

I’m really motivated and I keep going out and take photos. I really hope one day I’ll have the chance to exhibit some of them and see how people will react.

My biggest wish at the moment.

Quick question: Don’t you realize how worse off you could be living?

I’ve got a notification from “On this day” on Facebook and it’s about a song a posted. Year later I can still relate to this song and I’ll probably always will.

 

The second verse goes like this:

“Quick question: Don’t you realize how worse off you could be living? Or not living at all; You’re lucky and you should see how many good things come your way; If you don’t you won’t make life a fun and pleasant stay”

And than the chorus:

“Think about all that you have not about what you can’t get”

I love Pennywise, it’s a great band and one of my favorites. I can relate to lot of their songs and this hits the right spot at the moment. I feel mentally exhausted cause a lot of things don’t go my way. But, I always feel grateful that I have a life, an opportunity to make good thing happened and to enjoy all that I want while I can. I don’t want to find comfort in the fact that life can always be worst, but it’s true. Be happy with what you got and fight for what you don’t.