bad vibes

Have a positive attitude

“If there’s something that you don’t like, change it. If you can’t change it, then change your attitude. Have a positive point of view because positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events and outcomes.”

A caption a wrote for an instagram pic I shared today.

I want to think positive thoughts. But i struggle to do so. I struggle because it’s getting harder and harder to find things to be positive about. I feel time slipping away without making any progress. I feel like I’m stuck in a quick sand and when I try to be positive about getting out of it, I make an action to escape, but every move a do, makes me sink deeper in it.

Is it worth to have a positive attitude, while being stuck in one spot and not being able to move, because if you do, it’ll get worst?

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Lonely

I’ve never felt more lonely in my entire life.

My friends are no longer my friends, everyone is going forward with their life with the excuses like “I don’t have the time right now, I’ll call you when I do” and “I forgot about you, remind me again”.

My boyfriend is focused on his problems, while looking for answers as if he forgot that I exist. At moments…

I haven’t received a call back from any of the couple of job interviews I had recently, time goes by and it goes by in vain. I’m bankrupt.

The sun shines bright, the colors are vivid, but they are faded to me, they seem fake, fabricated.

I don’t know what to do with myself…

Saturday doesn’t feel like it used to

I keep my window blinds low, my room covered in dimmed light.

I don’t know what to do with myself.

Small amount of coffee is filling my glass, I don’t feel like finishing it. I’m thinking of going for a walk, but even though I’m bored at home, there’s something that’s keeping me from going outside. Why? Why should I go outside? There’s nothing outside. If a take a walk, I’ll come right back again to this chair. And this laptop. And this feeling. No… I don’t think I’ll be taking a walk.

It seems it’s going to rain. No sunshine today. It feels good for a change.

My mum left the country with a friend. That’s great, she deserves it, I hope she enjoys going to the beach. My boyfriend left town, he had to visit someone from his family. My friends are still gone, I have no idea where.

 

I can’t stop staring through my terrace door. A tree. Not a good looking one. Green. There’s no reason to go outside. There’s no reason to stay in.

Under the weather

It’s sunny, but windy; perfect 22°C. I wish I could get into my Reebok royal classic’s, put my sunglasses on and grab a coffee from a nearby place. And walk.

Wind in my hear, sun rays on my skin; sips of warm unsweetened coffee; slow pace steps. Thoughts through my mind, no one to talk back. Nowhere to go, nothing to do. Just walk. Think. Enjoy the weather.

Unfortunately, I’ve been under a different kind of weather. I felt sick for the past couple of days. The other day, I woke up around 5 am with a crazy vertigo that made me incredibly nauseous. I was shaking really bad and I didn’t know what to do. It lasted for about 2 hours when I finally calmed down and went back to bed. But, I was getting waves of sickness all the time for the past couple of days. I finally started to feel better, but this morning a woke up with pain in my stomach. Now, I have a urinary tract infection and I feel like I’m going crazy. It’s driving me mad! I hate it so much!

 

I love the sunshine that’s getting inside my room; it’s almost like it’s calling me out. I hear distant laughter; someone’s having fun out there.

Should I keep reading “Mrs Dalloway” or start the new “Narcos” season?

Cutoff

In the past couple of days I’ve been cutoff from society.

I’m still out of job. I’m still out of friends. I’m still out of touch from my surroundings.

Sadly, I’ve had issues with my laptop so I had to take it to a repairing service. That means I had to put on pause my 3ds max lessons. I wanted to be a part of the new furniture competition which is due 1st of October, but I’m afraid that with my current situation I will loose half of the given time. It’s a big set back!

This whole weekend I’ve been alone. My boyfriend’s out of town, so I’ve been staying mostly at home. The past couple of days we’ve had 40 degrees Celsius temperature, so I’ve been avoiding going out side. I don’t have my bicycle, so I can’t even ride to the park.

Things haven’t been going good at all for me lately.

One thing I like is that I’ve been reading books. Also, watched a lot of the History channel, they have a lot of interesting documentaries. And that’s it.

Books, history documentaries and a reserved spot on a sofa sectional.