bad vibes


In the past couple of days I’ve been cutoff from society.

I’m still out of job. I’m still out of friends. I’m still out of touch from my surroundings.

Sadly, I’ve had issues with my laptop so I had to take it to a repairing service. That means I had to put on pause my 3ds max lessons. I wanted to be a part of the new furniture competition which is due 1st of October, but I’m afraid that with my current situation I will loose half of the given time. It’s a big set back!

This whole weekend I’ve been alone. My boyfriend’s out of town, so I’ve been staying mostly at home. The past couple of days we’ve had 40 degrees Celsius temperature, so I’ve been avoiding going out side. I don’t have my bicycle, so I can’t even ride to the park.

Things haven’t been going good at all for me lately.

One thing I like is that I’ve been reading books. Also, watched a lot of the History channel, they have a lot of interesting documentaries. And that’s it.

Books, history documentaries and a reserved spot on a sofa sectional.

Face yourself

Be alone. Spend couple of days or a whole week detached from the world, so you can connect with yourself.

It’s sounds like an easy task. In a way it is, you can surely do it. But what will you learn? I thought it’d be great to take a break from humans and just enjoy myself and the simple things I like. I read books. I played video games. I watched tv shows and movies. I drew. I worked on learning 3d modeling. I did a lot of things.

But I didn’t do anything. I just spend a lot of time on the sofa, in front of my laptop. Time went by, a week was finished. I didn’t do anything and I was exceedingly aware of that. Aware of the time I wasted. Aware of my failures. Aware of my solitary.

“You’re a loser…”. “You can’t do anything”. “You wasted your life and accomplished nothing!”. “Loser!”. “Everyone is moving forward and you can’t move a level from the bottom.”. “Failure!”.

Who knew there were voices?

I isolated myself from the society and looked myself closely, thoroughly, intimately. I met myself. Look at me, touch me, turn me and twist me around, explore me, learn about me. This is me. This! There’s nothing you can do about it now, this is what I am and this is what I did. You like it?

I faced myself. I was confident and unruffled; I broke. I felt like I was lured in a corner and life kicked me and punched me and pounded me, stroked me, whipped me, trashed me, broke me!

I broke.

But I faced myself. And I like myself as a person, I just don’t like my life. I feel like I can do so much more. Now knowing that, I will try even harder to achieve all that I want and earn all that I deserve.

Face yourself. It won’t be easy, but it’s worth it.

High voltage ~ Висок напон

My head is throbbing, my vision is unclear.

Keep your eyes closed, focus on the darkness. Massaging my temples eases the tension a bit. For the moment. Clockwise circles, clockwise circles, clockwise circles…

I give up!

Get up! Can’t be in bed all day… I have to work on new designs. I might just come up with something decent today. I have to work on more tasks, make more cents. I have to keep reading and move to the next book. I have to… I have to… I have to do all these pointless stuff that doesn’t really change anything. But I have to.

…Strange but familiar vibrations are passing through my body as if you touch me, you’ll get electrocuted. Tension… I have to relax a bit… I have to work… Relax…

Work! I’m 27 and I don’t have any work experience, not a penny in the bank, nor any future prosperity.

…I took my daily vitamins and a painkiller, I hope they’ll help, but I doubt it.

Главата ми тропа, визијата ми е нејасна.

Само држи ги очите затворени, фокусирај се на темнината. Масирањево на слепоочниците ми помага да се намали тензијата барем малку. Моментално. Кругови во насока на стрелките на часовникот, кругови во насока на стрелките на часовникот, кругови во насока на стрелките на часовникот…

Се предавам!

Стани! Не можам да бидам цел ден во кревет… Морам да работам на нови дизајни. Можеби денес ќе осмислам нешто пристојно. Морам да работам да повеќе задачи, да заработам повеќе центи. Морам да продолжам да читам и да преминам на наредната книга. Морам… морам… морам да ги правам сите овие бесмислени нешта кои ништо не менуваат. Но морам.

….Чудни но познати вибрации поминуваат низ моето тело како да ако ме допреш, ќе претрпиш електричен удар. Тензија… морам да се релаксирам малку… Морам да работам… Релаксирање…

Работи! Имам 27 години и немам еден ден работен стаж, ниту еден денар во банка, ниту просперитет за иднина.

…Ги испив дневните витамини и апче против болка, се надевам дека ќе помогнат, но се сомневам.