Author: misschievousmkd

I am an art historian, who is also a tourist guide and an amateur photographer. I sometimes like and need to write. Sometimes I like to draw. I love books.

Photo shared in magazine

One of my photos has been shared in July’s issue of “Portret” magazine.

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This is my photo:

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It’s my neighbor’s umbrella on their terrace against cloudless summer sky. The sky reminded me of a pool so I played around with it with my tablet:

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Two days off spend by the lake

Last weekend I’ve got 2 days off from work so I went with my boyfriend to Ohrid, or Peshtani to be more precise. I’ve spend third of my paycheck and somehow I don’t care. I needed to get out of the city and just chill.

I really like this place. The house that we stayed in was located one small street across from the lake which was perfect. We had a great view from the balcony and most importantly, we would just get out of the house, cross the street and find ourselves on the beach.

Took couple of swims, enjoyed my very favorite thing: floating on the water. Layed on the beach for hours, relaxing our bodies from work. Enjoyed the sun and the wind. Read a book. Cooked a little. Had great sex. Took long walks around the neighborhood at night, taking it all in. The sounds of the waves, the music from the restaurants, the peoples laughs. Had a cocktail by the bay with the most perfect sunset you can get. Slept.

Relaxed a bit.

Young at body, old at heart

I realized that I’ve grown really old at heart in the past few years. People my age consider themselves young and they are right. But I’ve always felt very old and with each year passing by, I feel like my life is ending and I’m worried that I’ve wasted my life doing nothing.

I know things can change. I know that I should be on that “do the things you want to do in life” positive type of attitude. I know that I should relax and enjoy all that I can every day. I know all of that, but somehow I can’t do it. When I go to bed at night and the day has ended, I realize that I’ve wasted my day stressing out about everything and anything and haven’t enjoy a minute. I always feel like shit and I rarely find things that I like.

I’ve wasted my 20’s thinking I’m old and feeling like my life is about to end any day now. Which could possibly be true, but also it might not.

I have so many wishes and goals and hopes. But I should really put one on the top and that’s it to find a way to be positive and enjoy every moment for itself without thinking about what’s going to happened throughout the day. I should find a way to be present.

Everything else should be second.

I was a part of another exhibition

I was a part of another exhibition… in a way. There is an exhibition at the MoCa-Museum of Contemporary Art in Skopje inspired by the brutalistic architectural heritage in Skopje and it’s called “99files Skopje Brutalism Exhibition”.

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Details about the project:

“The Laboratory Landscape_inProgress, of the Mediterranea University, inaugurates 99FILES exhibition at MoCa-Museum of Contemporary Art in Skopje with patronage by the Italian Embassy, Faculty of Architecture in Skopje and Municipality of Centar with ABITARE as media partner.
99FILES is curated by Marina Tornatora, Ottavio Amaro, Blagoja Bajkovski, Alessandro De Luca, Lucia La Giusa.”

Last thursday I’ve got an invitation in my mail:

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This made me incredibly happy! I totally forgot that I applied months ago and I never really thought I would get chosen. Even though is only digital archive I still feel very honored and proud. These are the photos that I send:

It was good seeing my name.

Work without play

My boyfriend and I are both working jobs that are payed very low and hard at doing. We both have hard time accepting are current jobs and we both have almost impossible chances of doing something better.

Because of our shifts lately, we hardly even see each other. We don’t go anywhere and we don’t do anything. We go to work and than we go home. We have no fun. We can’t enjoy the summer. We miss many interesting events in town and we don’t see our friends.

I’m aware that surviving it’s more important than having fun. But, what’s the point? Home-work, work-home. Work that’s fucking horrible.

Time is passing by, year by year. We manage to somehow survive, but we don’t move on to better things. No progress. No goals or wishes completed.

No money. No home. No family. No career. No happiness.

No play.

Is it worth it to keep going

People keep saying to me “A job is a job, keep on working it”, “At least you’re working”, “You’re working an honest job, so what if it’s a job you’re not liking it” and similar stuff.

I don’t know if it’s just a consolation that’s an excuse because there’s nothing else to be said. Or maybe it’s my destiny. Maybe I will forever struggle and never find something that I’ll love doing. Not everyone has a happy life.

I know I’m complaining. I know I’m weak.

But I can’t live a life where I’m constantly disappointed and angry and in a search for something better and always failing. I can’t work jobs that I hate. I’m getting more depressed every day. I’m always in a bad mood and I often treat my loved once without respect because I’m not feeling okay.

I know I should do something about it. I’M TRYING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. But I can’t seem to actually do something that will change my life in a better way. I’m not succeeding. I’m trying, but failing.

Maybe I’m destined to struggle and fail.

10 days done, how many more to go?

I just finished my 10 days training at the new job. I’ve never worked more for less money in my entire life. It seems things are only getting worse at finding a proper job.

I understand nothing is easy, especially when you’re new at a job. I understand I have to hustle, just like thousands of other people. But, it’s just not worth it. I would be okay to hustle a job for a year or two knowing that after that I’ll get a good promotion and most importantly, I’ll like the job I’ll be working for the rest of my life.

I just…

…don’t see myself being a saleslady at a market till I became an old woman and retire.

I want more in life. I want my working to mean something. I don’t want to be just another robot who spends their day doing something that doesn’t make a difference in anything.

Most importantly, I want to have a job where I won’t be depressed and won’t be contemplating suicide.