Loser

Every once in a while, I feel like a loser. That’s because nothing good really happens to me. Yeah, I know I sound like a crybaby. I don’t care how I sound. I know how I feel. I feel worthless, talent-less, brainless, skill-less, just a total failure. I am the definition of failure.

failure/ˈfeɪljə/noun

  1. 1.lack of success.”an economic policy that is doomed to failure”synonyms:lack of success, non-success, non-fulfilment, abortion, miscarriage, defeat, frustration, collapse, foundering, misfiring, coming to nothing, falling through;informalfizzling out”the failure of the assassination attempt”fiasco, debacle, catastrophe, disaster, blunder, vain attempt, abortion, defeat;damp squib;informalflop, botch, hash, foul-up, screw-up, washout, let-down, dead loss, dead duck, lead balloon, lemon, fail;informalcock-up, pig’s ear;informalsnafu, clinker;vulgar slangfuck-up, balls-up”every one of his schemes had been a failure”

That’s me.

I fucking hate myself. I try to do something, but I always fail. Literally, everything I tried in my life, never worked out. I either didn’t really knew how to do it because I was skill-less, or I quit because I was skill-less and realized I’m wasting my time because I’m brainless and can’t really learn and do anything.

I know I sound like a pussy. I guess I am a pussy. I don’t even care anymore. The more I try, the more I struggle. The more I struggle, the more I lose and fail. The more I fail, the worse I feel.

I wish someone will kill me. Because I can’t do it myself, because I’m a pussy and I don’t want to feel the physical pain no matter how short it is.

New type of illustration

Everyday I’m trying to learn something new and I’m in a search of finding my style and developing a look. By trying out new things, I draw a simple illustration with a tiny bit of story in it.

I don’t know what the story is, tho. Hahaha! I think I’m still under the influence of “Dune” because those are the last to books I’ve read.

It looks good!

Drawings turned into posters

Remember these?

Well, I was practicing the new stuff I’ve learned on them and I turned them into really cool posters.

I think they look pretty awesome. Thinking of really printing them out and framing them and put them in my living room.

A weekend spend at monasteries

Last Sunday I was ready to get baptized.

But, things didn’t go as planed. Last Saturday, I visited
Bigorski Monastery “St John the Baptist” with a plan to sleep over and get baptized the next morning. But, sadly the monastery was full, there wasn’t any room left to stay in and I needed to reschedule for some other day.

I spend the whole day there, exploring the place, meeting monks and listening to them talk, enjoying the monastery.

I had lunch there with the monks and when night came, I stayed at the liturgy. Half way through the ceremony, a monk came and told me that there is a room for staying over at a women convent “St. George the Victorious” Monastery. There, before going to bed, I went to theirs liturgy.

In the morning, around 7:30 started another liturgy and it lasted till 11, when I had breakfast with the sisters. After, I went back to
Bigorski Monastery and stayed there till 3:30 when I got on the bus to come home.

I felt incredibly welcomed. The monks and sisters treated me and everyone around me so nice. They’re very nice, positive human beings.

I want to come back some day.

Poem turned into print design

When I was in high school I use to write lyrics. It’s been years since the last time I’ve wrote something and even so, I can’t forget about that experience. Writing lyrics helped me survive that period in my life.

I have few lines that I really like. Especially this:

“Како феникс се кренав од сопствениот пепел

Наместо покор избрав живот полн со борба и ребел

Но кога се бориш за себе, на општеството си терет

Само гласен бунтовник кој прави проблеми и неред”

It can be roughly translated to:

“Like a Phoenix I rose from my own ashes

Instead of subjugation, I chose a life full of struggles and rebel

When you’re fighting for yourself, you’re a burden to society

A loud rebel who’s making troubles and a mess”

So, I made a little colorful design using this words because I think they are strong and uplifting.

I think it looks pretty good.

First graphic design poster exhibited

In the past 2 weeks I’ve been trying to learn Photoshop and Illustrator. It’s going very slow and hard. But last week, as I was learning some simple essential things, I saw a public call for artists for an interesting event.

The event was called “YUGO story” and it was dedicated to the famous Yugoslavian car Yugo. Artists could enter their photographs, drawings and all kinds of art showing appreciation for the car. So, I started working on a poster.

First, I draw the Yugo model on a Sketchbook. My intention was to make it look like it was a part of a color book.

Yugo drawn on SketchBook

It took my 5 hours to draw it!!! Five hours of drawing lines, putting on colors, making it look as realistic as possible. Dozens of layers. But, it was fun. I loved how slowly it shaped into the idea I had.

Than I put it on a background. I chose the same light blue color as the one of the original poster of the Yugo documentary that was presented at the event.

Than I put an old slogan that was use in a poster ad for Yugo: “Everybody needs a Yugo sometime”. I made the word “Yugo” look different from the font and made it the same as the Yugo sign that was attached on the side of the car.

Than I added the dates of the production and the car sign.

In the end, I put everything in a red frame, just as the Yugo cars had one in their car plates. All of this took about 2 hours to make.

All in all, I spend 7 hours in making the poster design. In the end, I was very happy how it turned out, even though my head was throbbing and I was full of anxiety.

This is my poster design:

I was very happy when I saw that they chose my design to be a part of the event. It was exhibited for a whole week and it looked great being on a wall amongst other designs.

If I didn’t start learning Photoshop and Illustrator, I would’ve never done this and I would’ve never been a part of this event. A guess, every work that we do it’s not in vain. It might feel like that sometimes, but you never know what opportunity might come in you way. So, I will continue to learn and work and try to make things happen!

Zen evening

A yellowish teardrop shaped flame is cheerfully dancing around it’s wick in a consistent pattern. What a comfy radiant routine! The terracotta is getting warmer and the oil mixed with water begins to blister.

Thin, almost translucent smoke slowly rises from the fiery fluid, like a
charmed snake by a pungi. Lavender scent is bundling up around every little atom in the room.

It’s turning auras into pastel purple.

I’m wrapped in my favorite blanket. The coziest, most softest micro fleece one. I’m laying on my living room sofa and reading a book. Currently I’m reading “Dune Messiah” which is the second book of the Dune series. I’m obsessed with Arrakis adventures!

In between pages I’m taking a sip of a warm unsweetened lemon balm tea and in between lines I’m listening to lo-fi tracks.

My way of dealing with everyday stress.

Unemployed once again

After working a job a hated for 8 months, I finally quit.

I worked really hard. I did everything they’d asked me to do. I would be working the cash register all shift long. I would be receiving new products all shift long and work the papers. I would take care of the warehouse. I would fill shelves. I would clean. Clean the shop. Clean the warehouse. Clean the office and kitchen and the toilet. I would do everything they’d ask me to do. I lost 5 kg in 5 months. I gained muscles. I got exhausted physically and mentally. I got so tired of running around and working five positions at the same time and handling all kinds of people all day long. And they were paying me so little. I worked so hard for 8 months and they didn’t give me a promotion. They kept paying me a shitty payment under the minimal!

I felt used and unappreciated. And as days were passing by, I felt my creativity and motivation wading away.

So, I quit.

It’s been a week and I had time to rest. To think. To plan.

Now it’s time to work. Time to accomplish.

Two weeks after

Two weeks ago I had my first solo exhibition. Something I thought it will never happened. Something that’s been one of my biggest wishes in life.

A whole month before the exhibition I entered a competition for a free exhibition at a beautiful gallery. The theme was homeless animals and I entered this photo:

I had most likes and I won a free exhibition. What a joy!

I called it “Белег” which means “Mark” and it’s the name of my clothing brand. I had 27 photographs exhibited, all taken over the course of the past 2 years.

I had my photos all set up. I had my playlist of hours of old school rock ready. I made hoodies with my design.

But, early in the morning snow begin to fall. Lots and lots and lots of snow. So much snow, it was hard to walk on the streets. It was so white. If it wasn’t my own exhibition, I would’ve stayed home.

Still, there were people. Around 40 of close ones and a dozen or two of random. There were others coming and going over the few days the exhibition was open.

I hope people liked it. I had a great time. The whole experience was a huge lesson. I’ve learned a lot of things which I hope will be helpful for my next event. I say event because it might be another photography show, it might be a drawing exhibition, or it might be a clothing pop up.