My boyfriend and I are both working jobs that are payed very low and hard at doing. We both have hard time accepting are current jobs and we both have almost impossible chances of doing something better.
Because of our shifts lately, we hardly even see each other. We don’t go anywhere and we don’t do anything. We go to work and than we go home. We have no fun. We can’t enjoy the summer. We miss many interesting events in town and we don’t see our friends.
I’m aware that surviving it’s more important than having fun. But, what’s the point? Home-work, work-home. Work that’s fucking horrible.
Time is passing by, year by year. We manage to somehow survive, but we don’t move on to better things. No progress. No goals or wishes completed.
No money. No home. No family. No career. No happiness.
People keep saying to me “A job is a job, keep on working it”, “At least you’re working”, “You’re working an honest job, so what if it’s a job you’re not liking it” and similar stuff.
I don’t know if it’s just a consolation that’s an excuse because there’s nothing else to be said. Or maybe it’s my destiny. Maybe I will forever struggle and never find something that I’ll love doing. Not everyone has a happy life.
I know I’m complaining. I know I’m weak.
But I can’t live a life where I’m constantly disappointed and angry and in a search for something better and always failing. I can’t work jobs that I hate. I’m getting more depressed every day. I’m always in a bad mood and I often treat my loved once without respect because I’m not feeling okay.
I know I should do something about it. I’M TRYING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. But I can’t seem to actually do something that will change my life in a better way. I’m not succeeding. I’m trying, but failing.
I just finished my 10 days training at the new job. I’ve never worked more for less money in my entire life. It seems things are only getting worse at finding a proper job.
I understand nothing is easy, especially when you’re new at a job. I understand I have to hustle, just like thousands of other people. But, it’s just not worth it. I would be okay to hustle a job for a year or two knowing that after that I’ll get a good promotion and most importantly, I’ll like the job I’ll be working for the rest of my life.
…don’t see myself being a saleslady at a market till I became an old woman and retire.
I want more in life. I want my working to mean something. I don’t want to be just another robot who spends their day doing something that doesn’t make a difference in anything.
Most importantly, I want to have a job where I won’t be depressed and won’t be contemplating suicide.
It feels very pleasant to be working on a new illustration. Step by step, an hour after hour, getting closer to the final product. It feels even better when you’re finally done with it and have your piece in front of you.
Yesterday I started my 10 day training at a “drogerie markt” place where I would be working as a salesperson for less than the minimum wage salary, if I except the job after the training. The only way you can earn a promotion at this job is by working that position with that salary for one or two years. Those are their rules.
So I find myself as a 28 years old person with no better alternative in life than fighting for a saleslady position at a market so maybe one day in the future it will be my career, but I would be payed a bit more than the minimum page in my country.
What an exciting goal to have!
I’m tired of not having a better options. I’m tired of fighting for a minimum wage salary. I’m tired of working jobs that have nothing to do with my college degree. I’m tired of wasting years on dead end jobs. I’m tired of being constantly broke. I’m tired of keep quitting jobs and starting new ones because they are payed very little and aren’t worth of keeping.
I’m tired of disappointing my mom and boyfriend. I’m tired on not being able to make money like any other person. I’m tired of being useless.
Lately, I’ve been practicing drawing illustrations on my Wacom tablet. Sometimes I draw simple things, just because I want to try to do some that will be perfect for stickers. I try to focus on doing whole scenes with a little story in it. And, I started doing wallpapers, too. Here there are:
First attempt at doing something more realistic:
I’ve been in a summer mood.
I’m having a lot of fun doing this. I hope maybe I can make a little bit of money, too. 😀
I wonder what time it is. 10:30 am? Nah, it must be 11.
My room is dark as it was when I went to bed last night. Window blinds are all the way down so they don’t let any light inside. Windows are shut closed so it will be as quiet as possible. Don’t wanna be awaken too early by the traffic noise or the birds chirping.
I slowly get up like I’ve been sleeping only 5 hours and not the 9 I just did. I go to the bathroom, wash my face with cold water and my teeth with Parodontax and move along to the kitchen.
Tall glass on the counter top.
I put one teaspoon of classic Nescafe inside.
Add splash of cold water. Swirl it around with a coffee hand machine till it’s full of foam. Add cold milk till it gets a beige color.
Nice tall glass of cold unsweetened coffee.
I turn my laptop on and open SoundCloud. I put on some Soja music as loud as the laptop lets me. I plug my Wacom in the laptop and turn the SketchBook on.
Sweet reggae music, cold iced coffee and sketching.